I don't have steps. And I was not able to adopt. So I really cannot dispense wisdom on these topics, other than "consistency, consistency, consistency!". I know from others that the two areas overlap and have many of the same issues. I have two sisters who have adopted children of various ages with assorted issues.

Laura
Mom to Eight

As a step-mother to two girls (6 & 8), I can honestly say that it requires more patience to raise, or help raise, children that are not your own. My son always has the reassurance that he will only ever be in one house, with one set of rules to memorize and live by and one set of parents. My step-daughters, however, live with their biological mother full time and visit us part time. (We live over 1,000 miles apart.) So there is always a time for readjustment and re-familiarization with the house rules.

Unfortunately, when they are with their mother, they are not given any guidelines and her motto (as she proudly boasts) is "Give them what they want and they'll be good." My husband and I live with very different beliefs. We don't believe in spoiling a child into being good. So, we have to constantly keep in mind that the girls are going to need to adjust to having stricter guidelines and limitations and will not be rewarded for bad behavior.

When asked, one of the girls will state that she prefers to live with us because she knows what we expect from her and she knows that we love her because we spend time teaching her and playing with her. The other will say that she prefers to live with her mother because she can do anything she wants and her mother buys her things all the time and because she is her mother's favorite. So, even within the same family, there can be different relationships and different viewpoints among the step-children.

All of our children are loved and given the same guidance and limits. No one is singled out or favored. Although the rules and guidelines may change and grow with the child, the basics that we instill remain the same.

I have noticed that being consistent, accepting, understanding, loving and taking the time to really listen to and learn about each individual child/child's needs makes all the difference as how they see me as a mother figure. I also know that working together as a team has made a huge difference in how my husband and I are seen as a parental unit. When we first started parenting the children together, he would constantly ask me to be the disciplinarian because he felt it was too hard to correct the kids. That was probably the roughest time of all.

After a while, he would start standing or sitting near me and quietly supporting my decision (which usually meant that we had discussed the issue beforehand and agreed on what would be said/done or what punishment would be doled out if necessary). Once he saw the difference in how the children behaved, respected each other and themselves and learned to work within the family unit we created, he began contributing more as a disciplinarian. Now, six years later, we are seen as one unit and the kids know that they can't play one parent against the other. Our styles still vary, but the overall parenting technique is consistent. Our children know that no matter who they go to, they will be met with the same loving and kind rules and guidelines and the same disciplinary action.

Post edited by: MrsReilly, at: 2008/02/06 13:24

Wow. Great post!

My sister is sending one of her kids out for a visit of about a month or two. He has extensive developmental problems, so we'll see how good we are at handling it for a short time. :)

Laura
Mom to Eight

Hi, Laura! Thanks! I'm sure you'll be just fine. Just remember that the most important thing in taking care of any child, whether that child is yours or not, is to give lots of love and be patient, not only with the child, but with yourself. Will your sister be available to answer questions? If not, you might be able to find a local family or a group online that deals with similar challenges that you're going to be facing.

We adopted many of our kids--some as infants and some when they were older. The older ones we had as foster kids. We have had a lot of negative feedback about being a foster family, like most people expect the kids to murder us in our sleep.

Our social worker sent us kids that she thought would thrive in our family. Not all kids can cope with being part of a pack. We are involved in a lot of sports--not all families can field two basketball teams, and if the college kids are home, two baseball teams. Science and animals are also interests here.

Some kids are crushed when they come to our house and find out that there are no video games. I think they are a waste of time, and there are many other things a kid can be doing.

GG

This is one reason why we know that we could not adopt through the foster system - kids would come here and wonder what planet we are from.

No video games, no "R" rated ANYTHING, no white flour, no sugar...

We use computers a lot, but they are TOOLS, not TOYS.

Laura
Mom to Eight

Oh, and our kids are probably terribly deficient in cultural literacy. They see very little tv and aren't plugged in to tex messaging, ourspace, etc. And my pet peeve--I was at Target the other day, and saw some dresses for girls sizes 7-14 (girls not juniors). Guess they were supposed to be Easter dresses but they were in what my friend calls the "prosti-tot" fashion. I HATE that look! My kids do not look as if they were posing for their mug shots. (I think I'm off on a rant here. Time to stop).

GG

Congratulations! I'm not fond of the baby slut look either. Those kids don't even have cleavage to show, why are they putting them in stuff like that? And I've never seen the fascination with navels either!

It seems I have a soapbox of my own...

Laura

Hello Everyone I am a Mom to 9 wonderful kids 7 of which came to us via adoption 6 were from the foster system & are special needs. I would love to talk with other moms that have a beautiful mixed race crew at home.

Also, I am all for NO TV & NO Video Games...We also homeschool.

Blessings~
Gail

Welcome, Gail! I'm sure you'll find that there is a wonderful mix of people here. I'm still new, but I am so glad I found this site.

Stacy